


If Things Had Been Different

by Tamasha



Category: Wheel of Time - Robert Jordan
Genre: Acceptance, Character Death, F/F, Friendship/Love, Gay, Grief/Mourning, Inner Dialogue, Loss, Memories, Nostalgia, POV Female Character, Post-Canon, Relationship(s), Reminiscing, Sad, Short One Shot, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-05
Updated: 2016-07-05
Packaged: 2018-07-21 19:46:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 964
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7401367
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tamasha/pseuds/Tamasha
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometime after Tarmon Gai'don, Moiraine hears about Siuan's death and she looks back on their lives, remembering their time together and wishing it could have been more.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If Things Had Been Different

**Author's Note:**

> written by Natasha

If things had been different… if she had been born a century earlier, perhaps, or a century later, they would have had a life together. Moiraine and Siuan, inseparable friends and later lovers. They would have gone on adventures together, traipsing around the world and serving whatever causes arose. They probably wouldn't have bonded Warders - what need was there, when they had each other? If things had been different, Siuan wouldn't be dead.

Twenty-three years ago, Moiraine had been young and full of excitement. She had the whole world before her, opportunities abounding. Her best friend was by her side and they were going to be amazing. Even the Aes Sedai knew it. Both of them had sped through their studies and become Accepted faster than any woman in centuries. Both of them had the potential to be stronger in the Power than any living Aes Sedai.

Then Moiraine’s uncle had died and she heard about the plots to put her on the Sun Throne. An Aes Sedai queen! But she would be trapped by her throne if she had to rule Cairhien. She didn't want that, and she didn’t want to be queen. And then… then, she and Siuan heard the prophecy about the Dragon Reborn. Their world was upended.

Both of them were bound by duty and by their own conviction to do all they could to protect the world from the doom the Dragon would bring. It was their secret and their burden. In those early days, Moiraine had thought they would still be together in this quest. She hadn’t expected the Tower to snag Siuan in its many webs. Siuan had felt abandoned. Angry. But it was for the best, in the end. One of them needed the freedom to find him and guide him in the Light. Siuan was perfectly placed to aid Moiraine by hiding her actions and warning her of plots.

It was Siuan’s nature to bulldoze her way to the top. Of course it would be her at the head, on the Amyrlin Seat. The simple child of a Tairen fisherman would rule Tar Valon and lead the world, while Moiraine Damodred, cousin to kings, worked in the shadows to find the man who would break the world. The only thing Moiraine regretted was that circumstances kept her away from the Tower and Siuan so often.

After she found him, circumstances shifted. Moiraine learned who Rand was and she saw that their plans would fall away at his feet, if not do real damage. She had to help him to help the world, and that put her at a crossroads in her relationship with Siuan. Their journey together had kept them apart, but Moiraine’s regard for her friend had never changed. She loved Siuan dearly. And yet, she could not let her personal feelings come before her service to the Dragon. And Siuan could not accept that she had to bend knee to the man who would destroy everything. They were at odds, but their goal remained the same. Moiraine believed their hearts would last through the hard times, and then after… after, they would be free again, and perhaps they could go back to where they both longed to be.

Obviously, Moiraine didn’t know until Rhuidean what her fate truly was. She had to sacrifice her own life to save the Dragon’s, but she never did hesitate. Lanfear was one of the Forsaken, and Moiraine would take her down. Thom was the one who saved her from her eternal suffering, and she needed him. He was at once her equal and a challenge, just as Siuan had been, but he understood Rand and her position like Siuan never could. Moiraine did not alter the way she felt for Siuan; she fostered new feelings for Thom, a comfort that she deserved.

Siuan was still there. She was no longer Amyrlin, but she was blessedly alive, and they would surely connect again after all had passed. When it did pass, and Moiraine found herself alive and whole, she searched for her partner from a lifetime ago. The news was cold: Siuan was dead.

Just one of many casualties in the greatest war of their age. Her passing was nothing special or monumental, as she deserved. She did not die a hero or an Amyrlin. Her body was lost among the sea of the dead. And Moiraine wept.

It would not have mattered. Had she died like Egwene, bringing down an entire army with her, it would not have mattered. Siuan was more than the figurehead of the White Tower. She was more than her determination to do what was right. She was calloused hands and black hair, a calculating mind and a sharp tongue. She was strong arms around Moiraine on thundery nights and an easy laugh to brighten long hours at work. She was a frightened girl who found a comrade in another frightened girl, and then built them both an empire.

The world Moiraine inhabited today existed solely because of Siuan. But to live in it without Siuan seemed a hollow victory. Selfishly, Moiraine wanted back her friend. She wanted just a moment to share a hug and smile, because they did it. They achieved everything they had ever dreamed of, but now Moiraine did not even get a goodbye.

This was the way of things. One cannot expect gifts and honor for the work one does. In a moment, she will stand and face her life, go back to Thom and find a new cause. In a moment, she will be the strong woman that Siuan had deemed her. In a moment, her mask will slide into place and she will be calm and wise and Aes Sedai. But for now, she will grieve.

**Author's Note:**

> I was in a Wheel of Time mood, and that almost always leads me back to Moiraine, by far my favorite character. I definitely ship her and Siuan, but I understand why it wouldn't have worked past the time when they were Accepted. So this is my justification of how they lived their lives from New Spring onward, while still following canon.


End file.
